How It Feels
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Nicky stumbles across something that she can not believe. Her worst fear, coming to life. But when a paranoid Nicky tries to get to the bottom of it, will she lose her family in the process?
1. Chapter 1

Nicky turned over in bed. She looked at the clock.

2:01 am.

Where was Red? She needed Red to tell her a bedtime story or something. One of those stories when Red was a little girl and her family got shuffled to another neighborhood because there was a plague going around or something. Red once made friends with a tiger cub; at least that what she told Nicky. Red had crazy stories, whether of not they were true, Nicky didn't care, because that was how her mother did it. Some mothers tell their daughters stories about a princess getting saved by a prince from a fire breathing dragon, but not her mama. Her mother but a very Red spin on it and Nicky would never complain. She wasn't the princess type anyway.

So, where was Red?

Nicky sat up in her bunk and darted her eyes to Red's bunk. Nicky squinted making sure she was seeing right.

Red wasn't there.

2:01 am and Red wasn't in bed?

"This can't be good." Nicky gulped.

Nicky looked at the CO bubble- the coast was clear. Nicky slipped into her shoes and headed to where she hoped Red would be, the bathroom.

Even though she didn't bother to crouch down, she still tip toed all the way to the stalls.

The lights were off in the bathroom so nobody was in there. Nicky decided to rinse her face though. If she was on the hunt for Red then it could make for a long night and she needed to be awake and alert for this.

As Nicky walked fully into the bathroom over to the sink, she smelt something all too familiar.

Heroin.

She wasn't in the mood for it before, but anything could trigger her desire.

She turned the corner from where the counter with the sinks are and peeked her eyes around.

She saw the end of a lit joint and the outline of a person sitting in the stall.

Red.

"No fucking way." Nicky mouthed silently.

Nicky's eyes went so wide she thought she was going to lose her eyeballs.

"Holy fuck…" Nicky mouthed, not wanting to give herself away.

She shook her head hard. Blinked rapidly. Everything she could to make sure she wasn't dreaming or sleep walking.

There was no mistaking it. Red was sitting there getting high off heroin.

Nicky felt faint.

She watched as Red brought the joint up to her lips and took a drag, she inhaled deeply and gave a little cough, not one of those amateur coughs, it was one of those ones that let Nicky know that Red knew what she was doing. She watched as Red exhaled and Nicky saw the cloud of smoke pour from Red's mouth.

"No.." Nicky whispered, adding a little bit of volume to her vice that she couldn't help.

In complete disbelief and hoping it was a dream, Nicky decided to retreat to her bunk and deal with this in the morning.

As she was walking out, she turned her head and looked over her shoulder at the figure.

Nicky could've sworn she waved.

As Nicky got back into her bed, she looked over at Red's bunk. It was empty. Nicky shook her head as she crawled into bed.

The short story was Nicky did not get any sleep.

The long story? Nicky's thoughts would not stop.

'This is insane. Red would never do drugs. Never. That wasn't her and that wasn't heroin. Oh, what am I thinking, yes it was. That most definitely was heroin, I know that smell. And that most definitely was Red, I know her smell too. Plus, I saw her, so. Was that her? That couldn't have been her. Red is so antidrugs. Oh, my god, but that was her. Holy fuck, man. What the fuck am I going to do? What is she going to do? But what am I going to do? Help her? Of course, but, she I ask her? Shell probably tell me that she somehow got on this stuff by accident. She'll say she didn't want to come to me about it to protect me from it. But is that what she would do? Yes, she's my mommy, of course that's what she would do. But what if she's been on heroin for a long time? I would've noticed it in her behavior, right? Unless she was just really good at hiding it? No, Red was against drugs. I mean, look at what she did to Tricia, right? Right? Fuck man. What am I going to do?'

And her mind raced and raced. She couldn't stop her thoughts. Once she could get past how it started, she got to what could happen and that's when Nicky decided to go far away from those thoughts, not being able to bear the idea of Red going through what she's gone through.


	2. Chapter 2

As Nicky got back into her bed, she looked over at Red's bunk. It was empty. Nicky shook her head as she crawled into bed.

The short story was Nicky did not get any sleep.

The long story? Nicky's thoughts would not stop.

'This is insane. Red would never do drugs. Never. That wasn't her and that wasn't heroin. Oh, what am I thinking, yes it was. That most definitely was heroin, I know that smell. And that most definitely was Red, I know her smell too. Plus, I saw her, so. Was that her? That couldn't have been her. Red is so antidrugs. Oh, my god, but that was her. Holy fuck, man. What the fuck am I going to do? What is she going to do? But what am I going to do? Help her? Of course, but, she I ask her? Shell probably tell me that she somehow got on this stuff by accident. She'll say she didn't want to come to me about it to protect me from it. But is that what she would do? Yes, she's my mommy, of course that's what she would do. But what if she's been on heroin for a long time? I would've noticed it in her behavior, right? Unless she was just really good at hiding it? No, Red was against drugs. I mean, look at what she did to Tricia, right? Right? Fuck man. What am I going to do?

And her mind raced and raced. She couldn't stop her thoughts. Once she could past how it started, she got to what could happen and that's when Nicky decided to go far away from those thoughts, not being able to bear the idea of Red going through what she's gone through.

Nicky opened her eyes, they never closed because she was sleeping, but because they burned. She got zero seconds of sleep despite her eyes begging for it. Her brain just wouldn't let her. She had a rough plan. It was basically to just go up to Red and say "Good morning" and go from there.

Nicky knew Red didn't see her in the bathroom last night, so she didn't want to go into the kitchen getting on Red's case when Nicky could be mistaken. Although, she really believed what she saw but she left that window of doubt open because she loved Red too much to be 100% sure. This is Red we are talking about.

She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. As she entered into the bathroom, all she could see were glimpses of last night.

The bathroom was dark even though the lights were on.

There was no one there expect for her even though it was crazy crowded in there.

It was silent even though there was the usual morning bustle.

Nicky looked over to the stall where Red was sitting even though the curtain was closed and someone was taking a shower.

Nicky shook her head. What was happening? She was afraid she was going to lose her mind if she didn't get this situation straightened out. She continued to her morning routine and began washing her face.

In the kitchen, Red was preparing breakfast per usual. She had Gina cracking the eggs, Norma toasting the waffles, and everyone else were in their assigned positions for the morning.

Nicky found her way into the cafeteria and saw the rest of the girls. She went to sit down with them.

"That's not even how I went. First of all, she came onto me. You could resist? That's when I took her to the stall and showed her how it's really done."

"Ok, Boo, you're grossing us out before breakfast." Alex jokingly complained.

"Aye, Boo got some ass last night?" Nicky chimed in as she sat down next to Lorna.

"Man, I could get ass any night I wanted." Boo responded, chuckling at her confidence.

They were going about their usual chatter when Nicky tapped Lorna on the shoulder.

"Hey, Morello, have you seen Red this morning?" Nicky asked quietly.

"Yeah, she's in the kitchen. I went and said good morning like every other day. Why? Didn't you go say good morning?"

"No." Nicky said, not wanting to give away any reason.

"Well you should, don't ya think? Otherwise she'll think something's wrong. Then she'll do that whole bit when she gives us all a lecture about how 'If you have a problem with something or someone then come to me and I'll handle it. If I found out you kept something from me that was bothering, you then I will bother you even more.'" Morello finished, doing her best Red impression she could. "You know she's all about the tough love."

"Yeah, tough is the key word." Nicky said, meaning something different then what it sounded like. "But you're right. I'll go talk to her." Nicky got up from the table with a nervous pit in her stomach. She swallowed hard, and prepared herself.

When Nicky entered the kitchen, she looked around at everyone working. She scanned the room, looking for her mother when she spotted her, chopping up vegetables, already preparing for lunch. Her back was to Nicky which she was grateful for. Just a few more seconds of stalling would help Nicky with what was about to happen.

Nicky got next to Red, who didn't really seem to notice.

She cleared her throat, "Good morning."

"Morning." Red responded, not looking up and smiling like she normally did.

Ok so she didn't look up at Nicky and smile every time. Some mornings she was pissed off, some mornings she was tired, it wasn't the end of the world that Red didn't look at her and smile. Right?

"Busy morning?" Nicky tried desperately to get a conversation going.

"Not any more than usual. Norma," She called over her shoulder, "would you bring me another knife? This one's dull."

Nicky tried to look at Red's face, get a glimpse of her eyes. But Red's head was at an angle to wear Nicky could see nothing but her cheek. Which looked normal, Nicky noted. Although what happened last night wouldn't affect how your cheek would look, but it was all Nicky had to go on right now.

"Can I help? Unpackage the napkins or organize the utensils?" Nicky was desperate at this point.

'We are just about finished. Why don't you go back and sit down? The food will be ready soon." Red said, still l not looking up.

Norma tapped her on the shoulder, handing her the knife. "Thank you." Red responded quietly.

"Okay." Nicky felt defeated but could tell it was best not to press red any further. She'd have another chance later to look Red in the eyes when she came and ate breakfast with them at the table.

Nicky walked over to Norma, ut of earshot from Red.

"Norma, is Red acting ok this morning?" Nicky wanted to know in a sincere way.

Norma shrugged in response and gave a small nod.

"Will you let me know if something changes? I'm a little worried about her, ok?" Nicky knew she was safe talking to Norma.

"Hey!" Red yelled from across the kitchen. 'There's no way she heard me.' Nicky thought. "Don't be reading into things that aren't meant for you to read. Stay away from the flavored waffles." Red was threatening.

Even though Nicky was hovering over the waffles where Norma was, Nicky knew it was not waffles Red was referring to.

Nicky scurried out of the kitchen, freaking out more than before.

She knew.


	3. Chapter 3

Nicky made her way back to the table, apparently looking like something was up.

"What is it, Nichols?" Lorna asked, as concerned as always.

'Everything ok with Red?" she pried.

"Honestly, I'm not sure." Nicky sighed, sounding a little worried.

"Well, she is probably just having a bad morning. Maybe someone burnt the eggs, hmm?" Lorna put a hand on Nicky's shoulder.

"Yeah, probably." Nicky was dazing off into the distance.

The table carried their usual conversation without Nicky, who remind silent. Wheels turning in her head about how her next encounter with Red should go.

Speaking of, Red didn't come to the table at all and breakfast was now over.

Nicky had no choice but to try and talk to Red after work. She made her way to electrical.

"See you guys tomorrow, losers." Luschek finished, putting his feet up on his desk and leaning back in his chair.

As Nicky was walking out, Piper caught up to her.

"Hey, Nicky! Wait up."

"Oh, hey, Chapman."

"You seem really distracted. Everything alright?"

"You know, I'm not entirely sure. When I find out, I'll let you know."

"Nicky, what's going on?" Piper was genuinely concerned, and Nicky recognized that.

"Look, I just thing Red's hiding something from me. It's no big deal thoug, I'll fin out eventually and if I don't then she'll tell me eventually." Nicky said, trying to end the conversation.

Piper shrugged.

"Look, if it makes you feel any better, I'll let you know once I find out everything's good, ok?" Micky offered, giving a half smile.

"Alright." Piper accepted and started to walk off.

"Hey, Chapman!" Nicky called after her, realizing something. "You're her Bunkie. Do me a favor and keep an eye on her?"

"What do you mean? Should I be concerned?"

"Just make sure she's getting enough sleep." Nicky worded it in this way because she was slowly realizing that telling Piper too much wouldn't be good for Nicky in the long run.

"Ok. She's lucky to have you, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I mean you looking after her, making sure she's ok."

"Yeah." Nicky said. As Piper walked away, Nicky added, "Let's see how good I am at that."

Nicky decided to head out to the garden to see if Red was there. As she was making her way outside, she thought about this some more. Why wouldn't Red talk to her like normal this morning? And that thing she said about the waffles and not reading into shit? Did she know? Or was that just Nicky's mind doing exactly what Red warned her about?

Nicky sighed very heavily when she saw that Red was indeed, out in the garden. She was also alone; Nicky couldn't have asked for a better situation.

"Hey, Red." Nicky decided she would approach this conversation happy rather than as an observation like this morning.

"Hello." Was Red's short response.

"I came out here to help you. Need me to pull the tomatoes on the other side and we can meet in the middle?" Nicky kept the smile on her face even though Red's nose was practically in the dirt.

"Since when do you know how to pick tomatoes?" Red mumbled.

"Well, I was taught by the best." Any other time this tone that this compliment was delivered in would've earned Nicky an "Aww" with a cluck of the tongue and a hand to her chin. But Red was silent. Nicky knew something wasn't right. She decided to just come out with it.

"Ma?" Nicky was still hesitant. To be honest, she was scared.

Red just grunted but Nicky didn't know if that was a response to her or her reaction to pulling too hard on some weeds.

"Red?" Nicky said, more loud and more direct.

"What do you want, can't you see I'm trying to work?" Red stood up, back to Nicky but Nicky could tell she was furious. Red walked inside the greenhouse, presumably to get a tool. Nicky, being the "stubborn child" she was, followed.

"I need to know what the fuck is wrong with you?" Nicky demanded when she finally caught up to Red inside the greenhouse.

Red's back was still to her, she was fumbling through tools.

"You don't need to talk to me like that." Red was very calm, and monotone.

"Well you don't need to keep anything from me."

Red slammed the tool that was in her hand on the table beside her, causing Nicky to jump. Red exhaled deeply. She spun around and looked Nicky in the eye. "I'm keeping nothing from you."

Nicky was horrified.

"What's wrong, Ma?" Nicky was practically begging, she couldn't see the white's of her mother's eyes.

Red closed her eyes.

"Why are your eyes red, Ma?"

Red opened her eyes in response.

"Tell me the truth." Nicky was almost crying, terrified of what Red was going to confess too.

Too close to home. ..way too close.

"I'm tired." Red almost smirked.

"Red? Stop. The truth."

"Very tired." Red mocked.

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing."

"What did you do?"

"Not get enough sleep, apparently."

"And this morning? You had plenty of energy."

"Even you could chop vegetables when you're tired." This stab from Red hurt Nicky the most. Red knew Nicky wasn't the best cook, but she never held it against her or used it as something to embarrass Nicky with. Quite the opposite actually, Red always defended Nicky when someone commented negatively on her cooking skills.

Nicky's fears grew.

"Ok." Nicky turned to leave, not knowing what else to say.

"Ma?" Nicky turned her head over her shoulder and looked back at the only woman she knew to be her mother. "Promise me you'll talk to me if you need to?"

Red was silent and continued looking through tools, back facing Nicky.

Nicky was grateful that Red couldn't see the tears coming down her face.


	4. Chapter 4

Nicky had no idea what to do next. Red was high, it was obvious. Nicky knew what it looked like and knew that Red's behavior matched it.

"Why didn't I saw anything?" Nicky almost screamed in the hallway and kicked the trash can over.

"Nichols! That's a shot!" One of the CO's called out. Nicky didn't know who this guy was, she didn't care to know either. Her mother was not in a good way.

"Nicky!" Nicky heard Lorna call her name.

"Come here." Nicky couldn't help but smile.

"What's got you so upset? What didn't you say?" Lorna was as concerned as ever.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Well, I'd be upset if you didn't. Let's go to my bunk." Lorna grabbed her hand but Nicky stayed put.

"No, I've got somewhere else I want to talk." Nicky lead the way to the kitchen.

"Ok, why are we in Red's office?" Lorna was confused once they arrived where Nicky wanted to be."

"Something's up with Red. A big something and im scared. The real kind of scared. Not the scared when I think it's going to be ok in the end and im just scared now cause I know I'm suppose to be but the kind of scared where I'm scared shitless cause I don't know what to do or how to-"

"Shh." Lorna cut Nicky off. "You've got my attention. When you get uncomfortable you talk too much."

"That's what Red tells me."

"Well she's right. So what about her?"

"Ok so the other night I couldn't sleep so I sat up and was looking for her cause I was going to talk to her about it but when I looked she wasn't there. I thought it was weird that she wasn't in bed in the middle of the night, right?"

"Yeah."

'So, I went to look for her. I went to the bathroom first cause I didn't want to come all the way down here which is no doubt where she would've been but the bathroom was closer so I went there first."

"Nicky, baby you're almost rambling again. Just slow down, think about it. I'm not going anywhere."

Nicky took a deep breath, grateful for Lorna's calm state of mind because if she didn't have it then Nicky was going to lose it.

"She was in there."

"In the bathroom?"

"In the bathroom."

"Why is that so crazy?"

"She..was.."

"Nicky, c'mon." Lorna put a hand on her knee.

"She was getting high. Heroin. Red was doing heroin." Nicky began to tear up immediately as she said the words out loud for the first time.

Lorna's mouth dropped. "No. No, not Red. Red doesn't do that. Never would, never could. Not Red." Lorna was shaking her head back and forth.

"Lorna, I saw her. I smelt it." Nicky wept, thinking about her mother.

"You're wrong about this one Nicky. Look what happened to Tricia because of drugs. Red would never."

"How am I wrong about this? Me? Wrong about Heroin? No, it was her. I saw. And today I went to talk to her about it in the garden…and.."

"And?"

"She was high…eyes bloodshot...mean to me… She's never mean to me..." Nicky grabbed a tissue.

"Oh my god." Lorna grabbed Nicky's hand.

"I don't know what to do, Lorna. Tell me what do to!" Nicky choked between sobs.

"She's your mother." Lorna comforted.

"I know." Nicky sniffled.

"You can tell her anything."

"I know." Nicky whispered.

"You can ask her anything."

"I know."

"She loves you over anything."

"I know."

"You love her over anything."

"I know." more sniffles from Nicky.

"So, go talk to her. Go ask her. Go love her." Lorna smiled, her eyes tearing at how real this was.

"Ok." Nicky stood up. "Thank you."

Lorna smiled in response, squeezing Nicky's hand then letting it go as she walked out.

"Nicky?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you want to talk in here?"

"Red's favorite spot."

Lorna smiled and Nicky set off to find her mother.

Dinner was over and Nicky still hadn't been able to find Red let alone corner her and ask her the tough questions.

"You seen Red?" Piper asked Nicky a little too knowingly for Nicky's liking when the other's didn't know what was going on.

"Yeah, Nicky there's no way she's using." Alex chimed in.

"What the fuck?" Nicky snapped her head to Lorna.

"Oh, don't blame her. I saw her crying and I pried too far I guess. Not her fault." Alex defended.

"So, you know too then." Nicky looked at Piper, it wasn't a question.

"I know what your theory is but like Alex said, there's just no way. I mean think about it. Red threatened everyone who would've given Heroin to you with who knows what…death?"

"I wouldn't put it past her." Alex added smartly. "Besides, don't you think it's a little hypocritical for you to be so concerned about Red when you've got your own addiction to deal with?"

"I mean I got my own shit, she's always on me about that. But this is different, it's-" Nicky began to protest.

"Nichols, I gotta side with them on this one. I mean, after Tricia? You still think she'd get on that shit?" Boo was sincerer in this moment than Nicky ever heard her and knew it was only because of Tricia. Her and Boo were close, after all.

"I know it's crazy-"

"Batshit." Boo slipped in.

"But I know what I saw. I know what I smelt. And I know what she was like. I've been that way too many times to miss this, why don't you guys get that?"

"Because it's Red." They all said simultaneously.

"Well what about you?" Nicky looked at Lorna with pleading eyes.

"I..." Lorna let her sentence go, looking at everyone looking at her.

"Jesus Christ." Nicky sighed. "Well has anyone seen her at least?"

They were all silent.

Nicky looked at Piper with a face that said "how about you?'

Piper shook her head.

"No one believes me? Fine." Nicky stood up, picked up her tray and walked out of the cafeteria to her bunk. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone or see anyone.

As Nicky turned the corner, she saw Red coming down the hall.

"This is it." Nicky whispered to herself, looking for any ounce of courage she could find in her gut.

Red was feet away from Nicky when she spoke. "How was dinner?" She did not stop walking although Nicky did.

"It was good. Missed you." Nicky stumbled, surprised Red initiated the conversation.

"I didn't cook it." Red said matter of factly.

"Oh." Nicky muttered, watching Red walk right past her now. "See you later?" Nicky called after her.

Frustrated beyond comprehension, Nicky yelled at her, "Didn't know you could make me cry this much!"

Red stopped walking.

Nicky's heart dropped, not knowing if she was more excited or nervous that she got her attention.

Red stood there for a moment, back to Nicky, clearly having heard what she said.

Without thinking, Nicky spoke, "I wish you would just talk to me. You've got me scared of my own mother and I need you right now. I need to know you're ok."

Red remained standing where she was, still facing away from Nicky, otherwise she would've seen the tear sliding down Red's cheek.

Red walked on.


	5. Chapter 5

Nicky stood in the hallway. She couldn't remember her heart being this broken and confused. Not even with Marka, and God knew what I nightmare that woman was. She wiped her eyes and continued to her bunk.

Once there she curled up in a ball on her side under the blanket. Funny enough, all she wanted was Red to comfort her like always.

"Tonight, I'll get her. Tonight…" exhausted from the all nighter she pulled before, Nicky drifted off to sleep.

Nicky's eyes slowly opened to the commotion that was happening around her. She sat up in her bed. Everyone was coming back to their bunks. She looked at the clock on the wall. It was 8:15pm. Nicky had never been more grateful to be woken up in this place. She realized if she remained asleep she would've missed Red.

"Where'd you go after dinner?" Chapman was standing at the entrance of Nicky's cube, arms crossed.

"Here. I'm pretty tired." Nicky replied.

"Well, before you ask, Red is in our bunk right now." Piper said, motioning her head over her should towards her bunk.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. It's ok." Nicky said, a little off putting.

"Oh." Piper was surprised at Nicky's sudden apparent change of heart.

"I was just over reacting. Didn't know heroin could get me so paranoid, I guess." Nicky half smiled, trying to make light of this.

"Are you fucking serious?" Piper got serious out of nowhere.

"What?' Nicky's eyes went wide with confusion.

"You're on that stuff now? Accusing-" She looked around then lowered her voice. "Accusing Red of using too."

"Ok, hold on just a minute. Red's my mom, that should say something about how I would handle this situation whether I'm using or not, so back off, Chapman." Nicky got defensive and Piper walked away.

Why did everyone think she was making this up?

Didn't they realize how important Red is to her? Didn't they realize how much she hated heroin despite her addiction? Didn't they realize that her favorite thing using her most hated thing was reason for Nicky to feel so many negative emotions?

"Lights out, ladies!" A CO boomed over the speakers.

It was dark and once again, Nicky could not sleep. But that was ok because tonight she was going to talk to Red whether she liked it or not.

An hour after lights out, Nicky looked up and over to Red's bunk.

"Oh shit…" Nicky whispered.

Red was there and Red was shaking just a little bit.

Nicky swallowed hard. Red was starting to detox and if Red didn't move there was nothing Nicky could do about it but watch her.

Nicky started to sweat herself. And her mind raced, her heart beat sped up, thinking about what Red was going to go through. Her stomach turned over in knots thinking about her mother…

To Nicky's relief, Red started to get up and she slipped on her shoes. Red walked out of her bunk towards the bathroom. Nicky waited so that the guards didn't see too much movement.

A guard stood up in the bubble and looked out just as Nicky was about to get up.

"Damnit." Nicky hissed, thinking about how her mother must be in the bathroom by now, who knows what stage she was in, while Nicky was stuck here.

Finally, Nicky was able to make a run for it. She didn't even bother with her shoes, she practically ran to the bathroom hoping Red was doing alright.

Once in the bathroom, she looked in ever stall.

"Ma?" Nicky whispered as loud as she could, desperately not wanting to be caught. She heard a whimper and ran to it. She opened the curtain and saw her.

Red was shriveled up in a ball, knees to chest, coughing and crying and trembling.

Instantly, Nicky's tears came. She grabbed Red by the shoulders and sat her leaning against the wall.

Nicky put her hand on the back of Red's neck and bent her head down towards her own so that their foreheads were touching. Nicky held Red's head to hers for a moment and whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Could…'nt..had..to.. wait for…"

"This?" Nicky asked, tears overflowing her eyes, desperately trying to understand.

Red nodded her head in response. Nicky leaned her against the wall just in time for Red to puke for the first time that night.

Nicky was done asking questions. It was time to take care of her mother just like she had taken care of her so many times in this exact situation.

"Hang on." Nicky ran to the sink and wet a wash cloth and ran back to her mother.

"Here, put this on your neck, that'll help with the heat." Nicky put a hand to her mother's forehead. "You're burning up, Ma." Nicky moved the cloth from her neck to Red's forehead.

Red started to heave again but nothing came up. She began to cry harder than Nicky had ever seen her.

"I know it hurts, Mommy, I know."

Red's trembling was more than Nicky had ever done and her face portrayed her concern.

"I'm gonna…die..." Red breathed heavily through coughs and heaves and shakes and cries.

"No, no... you're not. You're going to stay right there with me. Here with me..." Nicky wiped some sweat off of Red's face with the cloth. "You'll be alright. You're safe. You're safe with me, Ma."

"I know…" Red cried as she spoke these two simple words and somehow managed to reach for Nicky's hand.

Nicky took Red in her lap after 5 minutes of no heaves. Nicky wrapped her body around her mother's trying to suppress the violent shaking, it seemed to be working.

An hour of none stop crying, wincing, trembling, sweating, the occasional heave, and constant waves of pain went through Red's body.

"I feel it too, Ma. I know how you feel and seeing you like this is worse than it is to go through, trust me."

"Shut up." Red seemed to be coming off of her detoxing.

"What?"

"You, you don't get to tell me how it feels." Red sounded nasty towards her and Nicky didn't know what she was talking about.

"You don't get to tell me how it feels to watch me go through this." Red was still shaking occasionally but Nicky had loosened her grip on Red.

"I don't get it."

"It hurt? Watching me? I know you haven't gotten any sleep and you were constantly looking for me, wanting to know where I was, what I was doing, if I was using. Worried sick out of your mind, right?"

"Oh, shit…Ma..." Nicky was starting to realize Red's point.

"Terrified you find me in a state like I just was? Not knowing if I was going to survive it? Being heartbroken that I could resort to something like this?"

"Alright!" Nicky practically yelled.

Red coughed in response.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nicky demanded, almost pushing her mother out of her arms and moving to face her.

"You. You're what the fuck is wrong with me! I know exactly how you felt. Watching me! Because how many times was it you, the one trembling on the floor, heaving up nothing only to be in the most pain you've ever been in in your life and the only thing you want is the very thing that did this to you but you can't have it because you have someone who is willing to go to the ends of the earth to make you realize that life is worth living when you have her in it!" by the end of her words, Red was crying harder than Nicky had ever thought possible for any human.

"You did this to prove a point?" Nicky was dumbfounded, crying.

"Yes. Did it work?" Red was so angry at her daughter and yet so heartbroken that her cheeks were flaming red from anger and her tears.

"You could've fucking died?" Nicky sobbed.

"Yes. Did it work?"

"I know how that feels! You could imagine how that feels after seeing me go through it time after time and you took that shit on? You're a fucking idiot." Nicky claimed, tears not being controlled.

"No I am not. Now, did it work?"

"Yes! Ok, yes it fucking worked!" Nicky cried just as hard as Red just was. So much so, she began to shake violently herself. "What you proud of yourself? Making me think I was going to lose you? Making me think you were gonna die right in front of me?"

"I need you to stop using drugs! Because if you don't it's going to end up killing both of us!" Red cried, a heart wrenching noise escape from her throat and Nicky finally understood what heart break looked like. It was her mother, sitting in front of her. Willing to risk her life, quite literally, to prove to Nicky just how scary it is. Just how important it is to stop using because there is so much love at stake.

"How could you fucking do that to me?"

Red was through her episode and back to her normal self in the last 3 hours since they arrived in the bathroom together.

"How could you fucking do that to me? Don't you love me?" Nicky's sobs put daggers in Red's chest and each more sob was another twist as well as a new stab.

Red gathered her girl in her arms. "Of course. Shhh… Of course, I love you. I did this because I love you way too much for my own good as well as your own good, evidentially."

"Why'd you did it?" Nicky cried in her mother's arms.

"I needed you to know how it feels." Red soothed, stroking Nicky's hair.

"How it feels?" Nicky breathed deeply, coughing on her sobs that just wouldn't stop. "I thought you were going to die. If that happened…I.. I…"

"Shhh… don't think about that." Red leaned down and kissed her daughter. "But let me tell you, how you felt, I've felt like that over and over and over again. Every time you use, I fear it'll…" Red shuddered as a new wave of tears took her over.

A couple of silent moments passed.

"Nicky." Red comforted, feeling her daughter shake in her arms. But before Red could get out anymore words Nicky said, "That's the first time you've said my name in days." Red could tell that it warmed her daughter's heart otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it let alone notice it.

Red kissed her cheek.

"Nicky."

Another kiss.

"Nicky."

Another kiss.

"My Nicky."

By this last one, Red's own tears had returned.

"I'm done."

"With?"

"With heroin. Any drug. All drugs. I'm done with drugs. I realized tonight that I love you too much. I also understand what you go through."

Nicky sat up so she could look her mother in the eyes.

"And for that…" Nicky couldn't even get the whole sentence out without feeling her heart claw at itself with guilt and heartbreak. "I'm so…so…sorry, Mommy."

"Shhh…" Red pulled her daughter in as close as she could get her, chest against chest in the tightest and warmest hug she could give.

"I know you mean it this time, my sweet girl."

Red felt Nicky nod against her shoulder, which was becoming wet from her tears. Nicky's shoulder was getting wet from her mother's tears as well but neither one of them cared.

"I'm sorry I did this to you. For all of it, being so distance, secretive. I knew you figured it out the moment you walked into the kitchen the other morning. But I wouldn't have gone through what I went through tonight if I didn't keep up with it for a little longer. I am truly sorry."

Red cried a little harder thinking about what she must've done emotionally to her daughter.

"I forgive you. It's not ok, but I forgive you." Nicky kissed Red on the cheek.

"I love you, my girl."

"I love you too, Ma."


End file.
